The PMDD Underworld
Colleen's Shamanic Dance with Ayahuasca and Premenstrual Dysphoria
TW: Before we get into Colleen’s story, this article references suicidal ideation. Please proceed with caution if you are having thoughts of self-harm or wish to avoid this type of content. BIG hugs.
Please see our HARM REDUCTION GUIDE for female biology as well.
RESOURCES FOR THOUGHTS OF SELF-HARM
Call or text 988
Chat at 988lifeline.org
Connect with a trained crisis counselor. 988 is confidential, free, and available 24/7/365.
Visit the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline for more information at 988lifeline.org
Training with the Shamans of the Mestizo Lineage, Colleen reveres the shamanic indigenous traditions of the Amazon and is working diligently to help preserve and protect the knowledge and wisdom of traditional Amazonian plant medicines.
Having participated in countless Ayahuasca ceremonies, numerous Shamanic diets and spending years allowing Ayahuasca and other plant spirits to guide her, Colleen is putting in work deep in the shadows to guide fellow seekers through their underworlds.
Using her body as a vessel she allows the medicine and healing icaros to work through her to help guide participants during ceremony. Diving in consciousness to this degree and holding space for others in plant medicine ceremony is no easy task, but Colleen understands she’s been doing this work for many lifetimes and her experiences with mental health are no coincidence.
“I think part of the reason I’ve been set on this path is because I’ve been feeling horrible most of my life, a big chunk of my existence was feeling anxious and depressed.”
When she was a teenager, Colleen’s mother was often confused by her mood swings and looking back to her journals from college, Colleen can recall the days when she wished she was dead.
Now 37, she turns her icaros inward and calls in Ayahuasca and other plant spirits from her dietas to protect her during intense PMDD episodes. Laying in the fetal position, she channels her inner Shaman when she feels as if her world is collapsing down around her:
Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, or PMDD, affects an estimated 3-9% of reproductive aged women. Symptoms may include heightened sensory sensitivity, derealization, dissociation, severe depression, suicidal ideation, severe anxiety, and emotional lability. Symptoms present in the luteal phase of the menstrual cycle and are relieved within a few days of starting the period.
Thinning of the Veil
“I was lying on the floor after my second ceremony working with Ayahuasca and I felt like I had one foot in this realm and one foot in the Ayahuasca realm and I was suspended between both places. And it felt really familiar - as if I had been here before. I think it relates to the sensitivity of PMDD, it’s as if there is some sort of crossing over, an unveiling [of consciousness] that is experienced every month.”
The veil of consciousness refers to the separation between the conscious and unconscious minds, both individually and collectively. Psychedelics work by lowering this veil to reveal the unconscious mind(s) bringing emotional wounds to the surface for processing and healing.
I’ve often considered that the shift in consciousness with PMDD is akin to a bad trip that can occur after consuming psychedelics. Being catapulted directly into an altered state of hell isn’t exactly my drug of choice, but I realize there is wisdom and understanding that can be gained nonetheless.
“I would often ask Ayahuasca: Why do I have this? Why do I have PMDD? And for many, many ceremonies I didn’t find any answers. Now I realize I go to this place often in Ayahuasca ceremony when I sit with others. This is the underworld. I know it really well because I’ve been here many, many times before.”
The Collective Unconscious
“I remind myself that these thoughts and feelings are not always my own. In ceremony I’ve learned how to discern my energy from others because guides have to stay very centered, with PMDD it’s the same thing, because I’m so sensitive during luteal I have to be very mindful of my environment.”
Set and setting for women with PMDD is important to stay grounded during the luteal phase as we’re being sucked into the PMDD underworld. For many of us, we tend to self-isolate to protect ourselves - and to protect others from us - but this tendency can leave us feeling more alone and disconnected further perpetuating the fear, despair, depression and anxiety.
With PMDD it’s easy to feel like no one can relate to the experience, but through working with Ayahuasca, Colleen understands that some people are stuck in this underworld all the time and these heavy emotions are shared by many.
Reframing PMDD as an “underworld” or “place” in consciousness helps Colleen navigate PMDD episodes because she understands that fear, grief, despair, depression and anxiety are shared emotions in the collective, rather than her burden to carry alone.
Women with PMDD tend to have high levels of empathy and seem to be capable of absorbing the emotions of individuals and the collective in a deeper way. This natural ability to relate to a wide range of emotional pain is key to understanding our own nature and to learn how to work with it, rather than fighting against it.
To learn more about PMDD from a scientific and philosophical lens, make sure to hit the subscribe button because we’ll be diving deeper in PMDD as an Altered State.
PMDD as an Archetype
“I think women with PMDD have shamanic capabilities. In every ecosystem neurodivergence exists because we all have different gifts and abilities to support the health of the overall ecosystem. We tend to think of PMDD as maladaptive, but there are parts of this experience that are adaptive in nature because if not we wouldn’t keep doing it evolutionarily. Because of our sensitivities and heightened nervous systems, we tend to have an innate ability to pick up on nuance and that’s exactly what guides do - guides need to be able to relate and connect deeply to others.”
The word archetype was coined by Swiss Psychiatrist Carl Jung and is used to describe the psychological imprints hidden deep within the human psyche. According to Jung these ancestral memories manifest in our lived experience by the unconscious mind with or without our conscious awareness.
To learn more about the female Shaman archetype, sometimes referred to as the Priestess, Witch, or Sage, Colleen recommends Swimming with the Sacred: Wisdom from the Psychedelic Underground by Rachel Harris, PhD.
In the book, Harris illuminates the underground use and study of psychedelics by women dating back to the Eleusinian Mysteries of ancient Greece, highlighting the role of the Priestess archetype in ancient psychedelic ceremony.
The death and rebirth process of the menstrual cycle has historically been revered by ancient texts and indigenous cultures yet hidden and oftentimes feared by western cultures. It’s interesting that PMDD is so often ignored in western medicine leaving women with the condition to fend for themselves during intense psychological breakdowns month after month.
In the modern era, burning us at the stake would be frowned upon, but gaslighting us into unrecognizable psychological oblivion in plain sight is somehow tolerated by the masses. It’s as if this scene has played out many times before, albeit with different flavors of complexity intertwined in each iteration.
Perhaps the repeated ego death process, dissociation from our bodies and staring at a stranger in the mirror when we are at our worst can provide a window into deeper truths, enabling and empowering us to walk directly towards ourselves and surrender to the emotional depths.
Colleen may have spent many years suffering in intense emotional and psychological pain, but she understands now that this depth is what enables her to travel far and wide in the cosmos and guide others up for air when their worlds are collapsing down around them.
The Beauty in PMDD
She's like a wicked witch that wraps her green fingers around my heart and squeezes
Relentlessly lights me on fire
Until the overwhelming anxiety & panic of being strangled turns into submission
Then it feels like I'm floating in an infinite hole of darkness only feeling grief & sadness
Despair
A place of so much emotional & physical pain that I don't want to live
I've pushed her away for many years, many months, many hours, many moments
Trying to pry her green fingers off my aching heart
Not realizing her hold is a gift
If I help her see her beauty
I can see
More
Beyond
She's a portal
Into my clairvoyance
A place of deep feeling
As I turn toward the witch, befriend her & take the thorn out of her side
And be with her, something shifts
My perspective
The truth is, I may never heal & what if I accepted this
I choose to root myself in the disgusting compost, allowing this to be a soft place for my afflictions to come to rest
I choose to see that healing isn't about achieving a better, untraumatized version of myself
Extrasensory perception & synchronicity are here
This intense sensitivity is part of the Ayahuasca space
The underworld
It's my ability to see into other dimensions every month for 10 days without Ayahuasca
This pain is not exclusive to me, it's the unconscious grief & agony of the collective
Let it tear you up, overtake you & rip you apart until there is nothing left but the light of your own soul
There is undeniable magic here in this place
Your deep understanding of the underworld is incredibly valuable
Healers study darkness
It's your gift
To go into the underworld and be rebirthed each month
Lean in & study this darkness
So you can be with others in theirs -
- Colleen
Big shout out to @nutritiontranslator for sharing her story with us! To learn more about PMDD and Shamanism, check out Caitlin’s Ayahuasca Practice and A Path for Polly. Have a story you’d like to share? Send an email to info@dysphoricproject.org, we’d love to hear about your journey!